Embrace Change: Sometimes it's hard to let go of the negative stuff.

I had my interview with the art director for an upcoming exhibition and it went okay. I noticed after the interview I was really flat again and my confidence had nothing to prop it up!

I wasn't feeling at all well when I woke up this morning. I know I'm a little anxious about leading InterPlay and Touch Drawing this Saturday at our church spiritual retreat, especially as I am still quite inexperienced, but I'm sure that will go okay.

I noticed that for me, 'sort of okay' is not enough. I want' more' than okay...I want brilliant, excellent, amazing, outstanding, moving, life-changing. This is all very well, but striving for this high level of creative out-put can be exhausting and quite devastating when you don't reach your own high standards. Take a look at the Olympics, they strive to achieve and win but most strive to achieve and lose. Perhaps the more valuable life skill is learning how to stay positive and keep going when you lose, when you don't reach your dreams and when your achievements turn out 'sort of okay'.

What am I striving for anyway? Is my work not good enough or do I feel deep down that I am not good enough, just as I am? Is there a gaping hole that I am trying to fill, to make me 'feel' whole? Is it an emotional, spiritual or maybe physical problem? I think it is partly about getting that balance between working hard and doing my best, and at the same time knowing that apart from what I do, I am completely perfect just as I am.
It is about letting go more than striving. I'm getting too philosophical for my own good here and I'm too tired to make any sense of why I feel so down on myself. Some days are like that I guess.
To be honest I am getting weary of trying so hard and I feel as though I am continually learning new things in my work. I want to rest in the knowledge and experience of work already achieved. I want to complacently lie back for a while and taste the edges of boredom. Maybe I am having a mini burnout, if there is such a thing? Didn't I have a holiday not so long ago?
If I am depressed then I ask myself why? Is it simply those neurotransmitters in my brain getting out of balance? Maybe it is menopause...who knows? All I know is when I woke up this morning, I had a headache, was extremely anxious and tired. It could have been caused by any number of things that stress my body and mind. I normally wouldn't be over concerned but this time I felt a horrible emptiness and a deep sadness too deep in my core. Several times throughout the day, I just wanted to cry, but I had absolutely no idea why, so I held back the tears.
It seemed quite fitting when I read Richard Rohr's daily meditation that I received in my email today. Reading about 'letting go' is easy. Learning it and allowing it to become a reality in my life is difficult...but for now, I will simply trust that the deepest me knows love and the rest is all "stuff and nonsense" as the words in a Tim Finn song goes. I also like the line in a U2 song, ....some days are leaky:(

THE ART OF LETTING GO

It is good to remember that a part of you has always loved God. There is a part of you that has always said yes. There is a part of you that is Love itself, and that is what we must fall into. It is already there. Once you move your identity to that level of deep inner contentment, you will realize you are drawing upon a Life that is much larger than your own and from a deeper abundance. Once you learn this, why would you ever again settle for scarcity in your life? “I’m not enough! This is not enough! I do not have enough!” I am afraid this is the way culture trains you to think. It is a kind of learned helplessness. The Gospel message is just the opposite—inherent power.

Thomas Merton said the way we have structured our lives, we spend our whole life climbing up the ladder of supposed success, and when we get to the top of the ladder we realize it is leaning against the wrong wall—and there is nothing at the top. To get back to the place of inherent abundance, you have to let go of all of the false agendas, unreal goals, and passing self-images. It is all about letting go. The spiritual life is more about unlearning than learning, because the deepest you already knows (1 John 2:21).

Adapted from The Art of Letting Go (CD)

Prayer:
May I learn to let go.