Oh dear, here we go again!
Woke up this morning feeling really crappy. I looked at the 3 paintings I bought home and that I've been putting all my energy into over the past few weeks and I decided I hate them. I've been running round all week, now I can hardly move and yes, my whole body aches including my head. Feels a bit like a head cold. Maybe I have the flu! Interesting how we want to label the problem, as if that will make any difference at all to how we feel.
I cannot stop yawning and feel extremely tired. Everything is such an effort . I need to go back to bed and sleep but I can't as I have appointments. I cancel the first one and feel some relief that I have a little more time to get to the next one. I take some painkillers ( thank God for Panadol) and head out the door. What I noticed as I drove to my destination, was that my body and mind was exhausted and I strongly felt the need to just let go, give in, surrender to all the tightness in my neck and shoulders, but I was driving, so of course I couldn't. I was thinking it probably took two weeks at least to get all knotted up like this, so I wasn't going to loosen up in a hurry. I was glad to reach my destination as I started to feel dizzy and my hands were shaking more than usual. What is wrong with me?
Worst of all though, my inner critic is at work, filling my mind with self doubt about the creative work I am so committed to. I thought to myself, this has got to stop. I need to get my energy back because I have four art competitions to deliver my paintings to next week AND my father arrives from SA tomorrow for a holiday here with us.
Two things got me back on track .The first was 'Tara Brach's' free download podcast titled " In the Garden" Brilliant! It is about remembering who we truly are and so much more. Tara Brach teaches on 'mindfulness' in such an authentic, gentle, practical, funny and down to earth way. She brings our spiritual and human side together so beautifully and makes them available on free podcasts .
The second thing that assisted me through this day was an old favourite book of mine named "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. A book on discovering and recovering your creative self.
She says in her book...Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself. A creative recovery is a healing process. You are capable of great things on Tuesday, but on Wednesday you may slide backward. This is normal. Very often a week of insights will be followed by a week of sluggishness. Growth occurs in spurts. You will lie dormant sometimes. Do not be discouraged. Think of it as resting.
So there it is. I love how God uses books and technology to draw me back to the truth about myself and the world around me. I have been reading, resting, listening, stretching and breathing deeper.
I have not been painting. Instead I been stopping those doubts about my work, and speaking kindly to myself because I read that one doubt will take on another doubt...and another. Like an alcoholic who must not have that first drink. Instead I go into action against these doubts and tell myself
"You are a good artist, a brave artist, you are doing well. It's good that you did the work..."
Already I am feeling so much better.
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